Never There

Whenever I put my blogs together for The Prophet Within, the writers training in me wants to make sure I have a beginning, a middle and an end. This one is more of a stream of consciousness style. It's almost like I want to try to work out some questions, but I can't do them in my head, so I put them here. Input is certainly invited, like on any of the other post.

The Law of Attraction and the Power of Now also surface here, so I'll be trying to figure where they play in the scenario. Is this about my ego? Not ego in terms of what people think they know about Freud, but as defined by Eckhart Tolle - the voice in your head trying to convince you that you are merely your body, rather than the spiritual being you truly are.

To the source of my trepidation. My 18 year old daughter is apartment searching because she wants to move out of her mothers house before she graduates. Since we're only two months before her graduation, that seems okay. The place she's most seriously considering is near the university where she will enter as a Freshman in the fall. It's a reasoned and rational decision and she wants me to look at the place tomorrow to sort of give it the stamp of approval. No problem yet.

Then last night she called, wanting to know if I would go with her to look at a new bedroom suite, which would include everything she needs. The person selling it is putting it out there at a pretty good price and we'll have to travel about 30 miles to get to it. I asked my daughter why she didn't want to use the set that she has now. This became a slowly escalating issue starting with her saying it's falling apart. Well, her mother and I haven't been getting along so I haven't been in my daughters room at that house for a while, so I didn't argue that point.

But it kept going. They were closer to make a trip but she said her mother was too busy to be bothered with it (paraphrasing her words) and then she said, "nobody is ever there for me. I'm used to it." We fell into silence after which she said she had to go to get directions to the place.

I sat there stunned with my phone in my hand, staring at it but not seeing it. In never even got a chance to say I would go. In my head, I was screaming about how I've been there for 18 years. No, her mother and I didn't work out, but I never ever abandoned my little girl. I thought back to all the times I bent over backward physically and financially, how I argued with my wife about her, how I argued with my ex about her, how I supported everything she ever wanted to do.

I. I. I.

I, as in ego. The ego was banged up after that exchange and that dropped my emotional state because the ego was screaming so loudly that I identified with that, rather than my true self. It's obvious the battle with the ego is not over Those thoughts are evidence of that. Controlling the thoughts is key and that's where my efforts continue.

But the other part that I mull over is this: how did I attract this reaction from my daughter. I love her more than breath. To have her feel this way is disheartening. I'm not looking for a pity party or want to sound like "woe is me," but I do want to turn around that feeling. She is a huge source of gratitude, which is positive energy to send to the universe. That hasn't and won't change. I just need to make my ego shut up so I can concentrate on the unfinished business with my daughter.